My sweet Sofi.Where to begin?
I love you more than anything in the world and I would give anything to have you here with me.
Sunday night in the hospital brought bleeding and intense contractions 1-2 minutes apart. We had an ultrasound that left us with no more information than we already had been given at that point. Still breeched and still no clue as to your gender. I was put on strict bedrest and we monitored your heartbeat all night and morning. The doctor came in and announced the next morning that we needed to c-section that day to give you the best chance at life. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. I was thrilled to see you, terrified that I could lose you. I don't know if I have ever felt so scared in my entire life. Since I had already lost so much blood over that night, I had to wait to hear back from the blood bank of a possible match in case I needed blood during surgery. Nearly three hours later, I was wheeled into the operation room. Your dad was prepped and gowned outside while I was given an epidural and while the curtain was set up inside. The anesthesiologist had me sit on the edge of the table, bent over my knees while I received an epidural. It was the strangest feeling to immediately lose feeling in my lower half. I was laid down on the table and the next thing I knew, my bottom half felt like a rock. Immovable and without feeling of any kind. My love, I was terrified. Praying for your life. Sheets were prepared and your dad came in. Have I mentioned how much I love that man? Sofi, He took my hand and squeezed it tight, "Everything is going to be all right. I love you." Ten minutes later, I heard the doctors say, "Does she want to know? It's a girl!" Sofi, we burst into tears of pure joy! A girl! A beautiful little girl! Me, a mom? D, a dad? The NICU team stood by and swiftly took you and got to work helping you to breathe. The anesthesiologist said I would taking a short nap, and the next thing I knew I was awake and the sheets were coming down. D had gone with the NICU team, and I was wheeled into a recovery room with Samira and a nurse who monitored me as feeling came back to my legs. Not long after, I was taken upstairs to post partum where Samira and I waited for D to come back and tell us how you were doing. What seemed like an eternity later, he came back and said you were doing well. I wanted to see you so badly, but I had to wait until more feeling came back to my body so D could wheelchair me down there. We finally went down and there you were. Beautiful, red/purple and covered in tubes. It was hard to see you, but you were perfect. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. Eyes, ears, and a nose. It was amazing. Reaching in to touch your hand was one of the best feelings in the world. Eventually we went back upstairs for the night to recover from the day. I was fortunate in that my recovery was speedy and we were able to see you the next day. I had to spend most of my time sitting down with ice water in hand since the combination of my medication and the 70% humidity within your box made me light headed and dizzy. That was tough since all I wanted to do was stand up to see you better and hold your hand. Within another day I was doing much better, and could handle staying in your room for long periods of time. Being with you is the best feeling. I love you more than anything and your dad and I just want to do everything and anything for you. I wish I could take away all your struggles and pains. I am thankful for an incredible NICU team (docs, nurses, etc.) that work so hard to help your frail body. You are stronger than anyone I have met and you continue to surprise the doctors and nurses everyday.
You even opened your eyes by Tuesday and look toward my voice when I speak. It's amazing. I can't believe I have been given the opportunity to be your mom. I am going to try to do my very best. I love you. D loves you. Keep fighting, love bug.
In order to let you get the most sleep, your nurses do "cares" (temperature, swabbing, diaper changes, etc.) every 4 hours. They told us we could come and help with those, so beginning on Wednesday, your dad took your temperature in your little arm pit (you don't like it very much and who could blame you) and I got to clean/swab your mouth out using a swab with some milk on it. You love it and sometimes suck on the swab and stop me or the nurses from pulling it out of your mouth. It's really cute how much you love it.
My mom and Grandma Pyper came into town, so the nurses let them both come in for just a minute to get a four generation picture. How cool!
